Still Waiting...

I have been trying not to worry....
I really have been trying...
I have been praying this verse....daily for three weeks....
Last night I realized that it was in fact a verse from the Holy Spirit because someone who was praying for me confirmed that she kept hearing the same verse over and over while they were praying for me.  She didn't even know how much I have struggled with worry...my husband hasn't even known.

Jeremiah 29:11

New International Version (NIV)

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I have been praying this in the moments that I feel like I'm going to lose it...
When I argue with my husband about how much I dislike living in my Aunt's living room....
When I realized that we have been here for 3 WEEKS...
When I have to pull the couch out into a bed AGAIN, and sleep on a very well used pull out mattress 29weeks pregnant....
When we have to put the couch back, and put EVERYTHING we own back into our van so that people can actually walk around the living room or even find a seat...
When my two littlest ones have diarrhea because people are not used to being as diligent about checking labels, and they have gotten a hold of something that contains dairy....
When I can see the look on my family's faces when they realize that we still haven't moved out that day, when they get back from work...
When I do dishes or make food in someone else's kitchen, and I don't feel like I can do enough to not be any more of a burden than we are on them...

I want to cry all the time.  My oldest son said he "hates this" yesterday, though I think he was talking about what my uncle was watching on the TV.  I caught myself, mid-admonishment, and realized that he had heard the exact same thing out of my mouth when I was talking to my husband about our current situation. 

I caught a glimpse of myself at church last night, and I look...haggard was all I could think at the time...I know I'm not sleeping well, or probably eating very much.  If you ask my aunt I'm not eating enough, or taking enough time to rest.  How do you rest when it feels like you have so much to do? 
Jobs to find.  Interviews to schedule.  Husband to work.  Kids to be fed and cleaned.  Messes to clean up in a house with 11 people in it...4 of which can't do much to contribute because of their ages.

I'm ready for rest.  Whatever that looks like I'm ready for it.  But here we are, still waiting.  I gave this verse to someone else the other day who was waiting on their husband to decide something that was important to them.  I guess I was just warming up to use it for my family.

 

So we are still waiting.....

Our Whole New Menu

About a month before our big move north, we had to make a drastic change in our family.  With two of three babies, the younger two, having digestive issues with milk and just going lactose free for them was not working very well.  We thought long and hard about shifting our whole family not only to a lactose free, but dairy free menu.  This was going to be HUGE!

Our oldest has quite an affection for dairy in any form.  Milk, cheese, you name it.  Not only that, but we would have to be very diligent about reading labels because dairy sneaks into the strangest places in commercial products.  Casein, Whey, milk, butter, milk powder, and then you have the products that have potentially come into contact with some form of "milk".  We were confused.  We were determined.  We had two, sometimes very miserable, babies that needed everyone in our home on board with changing our lifestyles to make them well.  We jumped right in.

My husband and I both agree that going dairy free for us also meant not diving into soy products because of the risk of lots of exposure to plant based estrogen for our growing young men.  I know lots of men who grew up on soy products, but we decided that was not the way we were going to go.  Our new Vitamix blender became our very best purchase to date in regards to our family.

I could blend up batches of coconut and almond milk.  Make dairy free dressings and sauces in no time, and give our babies a nutritionally dense smoothie every day to help supplement the vitamins that they were no longer receiving from dairy products.  It is a truly fantastic machine, and it is the only way that our family could make it with the price of dairy free milks on the market.  Someday I will share our smoothie recipe, which is pretty versatile, but I usually just throw things in and eyeball it so I will actually have to measure it out in order to do that. 

After one month of being off all forms of dairy our two youngest babies finally were not having the digestive problems of the past.  No diarrhea, which had plagued our middle child for over a year.  No throwing up at least once or twice a week.  Improvement of skin rashes that had begun to develop on both children.  Even their attitude and energy levels improved...all 3 of them benefitted in this way!  The real surprise was that my husband and myself had noticed changes in our own bodies and attitudes.  THIS was the what we needed to do for our family.

Our pediatrician had not felt the need to test our kids for sensitivities or allergies, even when presented with the symptoms, because they were growing and "healthy" otherwise.  But, as a momma it breaks you down to not know why your kids are having some digestive problem, or a strange skin break out, and you don't know what to do about it. 

It was my husband and I that took our middle son off of lactose, with small improvement in his body.  And it was our drive to truly fix the problem and change our entire menu for the entire household, FOR these little people God gave us, that really made the difference.  My husband even had a co-worker get almost angry at him for going dairy free like we did, because he didn't see the point if he wasn't allergic as well.  Like we now tell our oldest child...sometimes you do what is best for the people you care about even if it is an inconvenience to you. This is probably the second greatest lesson we learned by doing this.  The first is to not be afraid to try everything to make your babies well because it is the right thing to do.

Building Our House

A Friday evening drive through the winding roads of Montana. Between our new home town and my old one.  The roads, like our conversation, zig and zag but keep a constant theme of trees and rocks.  Houses dot the area here and there.  And it got us thinking.

We aren't the type that listen to the radio, just to keep the silence at bay, we like to chat while we travel.We discuss lots of things, some serious and others light.  Tonight was a somewhat serious conversation.  Talking of the acts of faith we have taken in the last year; some leaps and others hops, but all have brought us here.  We pondered a sermon that our Oklahoma pastor shared about marriage.

Using a house as an example, he likened men to the foundation.  Strong, solid, meant to bear weight and pressure.  He likened women to the walls.  Meant to be seen, pretty, they complete the look of the house, they are essential to the structure just as the foundation.  One without the other is not complete.

My mind went on....and on with this.

I know the pastor meant this sermon to be an inspiration to the men in our church, to take up their responsibilities and be the foundation of their own families.  I don't think our pastor painted a truly complete picture of a house.  Walls are not made just for being pretty.  Walls are strong, they hold the roof, they bear weight as well.  Eventually they settle into the foundation.  And, after some adjustments, they are one unit.  The house and the foundation will not be moved any more after this, though it may stand for decades it can only truly settle once.  The foundation must settle too, but it must be built on solid ground.  I think all of these are essential points for a marriage as well.

The order of marriage is God, Husband, and wife...and that is how you have to build your house.  Solid ground, Foundation, and Walls.  We are not made to stand alone.  We are made in an order that demands changes, some quick like adding pictures on a wall and others that take time like the settling of a house.  We are meant to be ONE with our spouse, and through the settling of time you will get there. What you put in your house matters too...but we will discuss that later. 

Happy building!

HUG myself for 100 days

  Things happen in marriage to change us, grow us, and teach us.  I learned several lessons 5 months ago, but the biggest lesson came yesterday.  I was not living beyond the circumstances of that day, I was living in fear of it happening again, as if that would keep it from happening.

  God gave me a word, H.U.G, and a mission for me.  My mission: to change my heart and mind by seeking him to let these fears go.  H.U.G: this is how I'm going to do it.

  H-humility, I will seek to live in humility.  U-understanding, I will learn to understand God more, and in turn I will understand myself and my purpose more.  G- grace, I will show grace to those who have wronged me, and live under that same grace because I AM a child of God.  I will do this for 100 days.

  Why 100, why not 30 or 60?  It has been nearly 6 months since the day that nearly destroyed my marriage.  It has taken me this long to realize that I was not really giving all of my fear to God, I was hoarding it because I wasn't trusting that the plan He laid out for us was what was really going to happen.  I was trying to control it.  So, I will devote half as long as it took to me realize my mistake to making myself over and giving it ALL over to God as I should have.  He spoke restoration into our marriage, and that is what He is doing...without my interference from now on.

  I will read my bible, daily.  I will pray about what the goal for each day is, and I will implement it.  I will do this to change myself, because the best thing I can do for my marriage is to seek God.

Strength of a Man

Yesterday was Father's Day. I can say that I may not have been born to the man who I feel had a greater hand in raising me and my sisters, but he's my dad, just as much as my own father. For some this is a sad day of remembrance for someone they lost. Someone who wasn't around, or didn't act like a father should to his children. But, for others it is a true celebration of the title given to men who truly raise their children up.

I have married such a man. He is a FATHER. Up at night, play outside, be patient when he doesn't want to be...father. Our children are blessed to have him. He is laying the groundwork for the fathers I hope our boys become, and the man who our daughter chooses to have a family with. He is laying a foundation of strength, love, and hard work.

Our pastor made reference to how boys play together today in church when he was talking about the role of a father. The wrestling, and rough housing that makes some of us mommas cringe is really a test drive of their manly muscles. They want to know they are strong, capable, and able.

I noticed our boys played much differently than my sister's and myself did as kids. They can be so sick that they don't want to eat or drink, and yet they will get up to wrestle. The weaker they feel the more they are ready to try to take on the world. And, I guess that is their true design.

How do we cultivate this budding manhood in our boys, and still avoid the bleeding and broken bones or coming to real blows. I think that is a balance that must be established early. My step brothers put each other in the ER several times, but always at their mother's house. My husband and his sister did the same because their mom believed in letting them "fight it out". I don't remember doing this to my sisters or any of my boy cousins doing it to their siblings. I think manhood is about strength under control, and that is how I am going to encourage our boys.

A man is capable of hurting someone, but knows he shouldn't and doesn't. A man should also be capable of gentleness, and use it often. There are many layers to strength and not all have to do with muscles, some are about character, and how they treat those they are responsible for. This is the strength of a MAN.

Compliment often...
Play...
Wrestle...
Hug..
And encourage your young men to find their strength, under control...

Is everyone else's marriage hard, or just mine?

I've noted over the last 4 1/2 years that marriage is hard, but I do hear people asking if it should be THIS hard all over the place.

My husband surprised me the other day by telling me that he used to think that our marriage was too hard. That he felt that every marriage he saw was doing better than we were, and not having to work as hard at it as we were. His parents decade plus of marriage, which ended in divorce at 19 years. The marriages of his grandparents who were married 50+ years in 2012. Plus all the aunts and uncles he has. He said they all didn't look like they had to work at it, and I replied, "well, some of them weren't. But every marriage has hard stuff, they just don't tell you about it." When we got married and started butting heads on things, he thought that meant we were doing something wrong, or more pointedly I was too bull headed or wanted everything my way. Living only to have the chance to tell him "No" about something.

God changed his heart in the last few months. What brought the change nearly destroyed our marriage, but we are living in an attitude of restoration and forgiveness. It literally could only have come from God. I can say now, that our marriage is better and stronger now, even though it has been less than 6mo.

From my perspective marriage is hard. It takes more work than you will realize. The goal is not to cruise, but to share a life, and that means that one or both of you will hurt each other's feelings every now and then. Say things you don't mean, and irritate each other. Sometimes, the deepest hurt you could ever imagine becomes a glaring reality and you have to choose to fight or walk away.

The world makes it easy, get hurt...then leave, nobody has a long enough life to be "unhappy" at any point right? Wrong! Your husband can, and will, hurt you more than any other person in the world. Your love for him is, and rightly should be, far deeper than even the love you have for your own children. Quotes like this are pasted all over social media, almost like a daily mantra of people who want to be perceived as a more self-sacrificing, loving mother than they think they are.

 

I honestly am tired of these. They send a very pointed message. It's not "my children are important to me", it's "my children are more important than my husband." You may not see that, but that's what I see. Then, when people like myself choose not to post such things, and instead post....

 



Some how we appear pompous. This is the relationship that is under attack! Fight back! Odds are people are not going to openly attack your relationship with your children, but they will look for any chink in the armor in your marriage...trust me, we have survived it!

"But, my husband hurt me so bad!" Ok, it will happen. I will cry with you, but short of him harming your physical body, I will tell you to go seek your husband out and reconcile. He will hurt your feelings in ways that can send your heart crashing to the ground. Most of the time, he won't even know he did it. Or, a word from him can fill your heart with so much love you could choke on it. Your love for him is DEEPER. It's in your soul. It's meant to mimic Christ and the church, it's meant to be spiritual...My mom used to tell us that hurting a child's will did less damage than hurting their spirit. She was right, the same goes for adults. Give as much care to your spouse's spirit as you do your children. It's never a win when you battle your spouse.

So, to answer my own question. Is everyone's marriage hard, or just mine?...Yes, marriage is hard, and yours will have hard times too. Can you survive deep heart-shattering hurt? Yes, but you have to be resolved to forgive every single day. Days will be hard, and you will feel like your are drowning, but those will pass. Will there ever be an easy time? Once you both grow together, more and more, the easy times will be longer and will sustain you through the hard times.

If you are struggling, and feel that you can't live like this anymore, I ask you to be still. Don't turn your pain into a democratic vote to continue your marriage or end it by telling everyone what happened, and waiting to hear what they say. Don't ask your single friends, or those who are divorced and not remarried yet. Don't ask the outspoken woman's libber who has a vendetta against men. Ask the wise, someone with time and experience on their side. Someone who's marriage looks "easy" on the outside; I can guarantee that it hasn't been. Seek God, he is FOR MARRIAGE!

Grilled Cheese and Pickles

Today my lunch consisted of Grilled cheese and bread and butter pickles. I don't eat stuff like this unless...Morning sickness? Check! Growing Pains? Check! Yes, we are expecting our 4th baby. Our due date was determined via ultrasound....1/4/14....looks like 4 is the theme to me!

We have known for several weeks that we were pregnant, but their dates and my dates didn't jive.  So, last week I had a full scan, and voila 8week and 3 day old little bean with a nicely beating heartbeat.

Are we excited? Absolutely!

Do we know that 4 kids under 4 is going to be "hard"? Yes, but it will be worth it!

You might have 3 in Diapers! Yes, I have before, and I don't mind.

Won't that be expensive, how can you afford it? You afford what is important to you, we are not going to have two cars, or lots of toys, but our home will be full and so will our hearts.

Motherhood has taught me that these years are fleeting. What seems impossible or unimaginable to one mom is exactly another's dream. This is mine. Kids all over the place with my husband at my side. I may not get to have pedicures or girls days out every week. We may only get a date out when grandparents come visit. We may not get two vacations a year, but like I said before, time goes by so fast!

I just became a doula in training, and I have a newfound hope for this 4th birth. A new sense of what is important to me and my husband for the delivery. From my other three experiences, which I still think were good considering that I did have several medical interventions because I asked for them, I have learned a lot. This one will be just as wonderful, we will have another little blessing to hold and love, that is what this journey is all about. Love.

A love bourn out of sacrifice, pain, and labor. Something that only parenthood can bring in your life. Weather you gave birth to your own children, or were gifted them by God, you know what I am talking about. There is nothing easy about this. But, it will be worth it!

Original source of pic unknown

 I am excited to be overwhelmed; to have my hands even more full. To figure out naptime again. To go through baby clothes every couple weeks to keep up with growth spurts of the baby and worry about weather or not we have the next size up for the older ones. To hear the comments in public about our family, like they think I would take all this back if I could, or that I should be ashamed of myself...but I absolutely wouldn't and I'm not. I won't apologize for these little beings existence, they are gifts.

4 kids under 4...we are in for a wild ride!