Yesterday was Father's Day. I can say that I may not have been born to the man who I feel had a greater hand in raising me and my sisters, but he's my dad, just as much as my own father. For some this is a sad day of remembrance for someone they lost. Someone who wasn't around, or didn't act like a father should to his children. But, for others it is a true celebration of the title given to men who truly raise their children up.
I have married such a man. He is a FATHER. Up at night, play outside, be patient when he doesn't want to be...father. Our children are blessed to have him. He is laying the groundwork for the fathers I hope our boys become, and the man who our daughter chooses to have a family with. He is laying a foundation of strength, love, and hard work.
Our pastor made reference to how boys play together today in church when he was talking about the role of a father. The wrestling, and rough housing that makes some of us mommas cringe is really a test drive of their manly muscles. They want to know they are strong, capable, and able.
I noticed our boys played much differently than my sister's and myself did as kids. They can be so sick that they don't want to eat or drink, and yet they will get up to wrestle. The weaker they feel the more they are ready to try to take on the world. And, I guess that is their true design.
How do we cultivate this budding manhood in our boys, and still avoid the bleeding and broken bones or coming to real blows. I think that is a balance that must be established early. My step brothers put each other in the ER several times, but always at their mother's house. My husband and his sister did the same because their mom believed in letting them "fight it out". I don't remember doing this to my sisters or any of my boy cousins doing it to their siblings. I think manhood is about strength under control, and that is how I am going to encourage our boys.
A man is capable of hurting someone, but knows he shouldn't and doesn't. A man should also be capable of gentleness, and use it often. There are many layers to strength and not all have to do with muscles, some are about character, and how they treat those they are responsible for. This is the strength of a MAN.
Compliment often...
Play...
Wrestle...
Hug..
And encourage your young men to find their strength, under control...
Monday, June 17, 2013
Friday, June 7, 2013
Is everyone else's marriage hard, or just mine?
I've noted over the last 4 1/2 years that marriage is hard, but I do hear people asking if it should be THIS hard all over the place.
My husband surprised me the other day by telling me that he used to think that our marriage was too hard. That he felt that every marriage he saw was doing better than we were, and not having to work as hard at it as we were. His parents decade plus of marriage, which ended in divorce at 19 years. The marriages of his grandparents who were married 50+ years in 2012. Plus all the aunts and uncles he has. He said they all didn't look like they had to work at it, and I replied, "well, some of them weren't. But every marriage has hard stuff, they just don't tell you about it." When we got married and started butting heads on things, he thought that meant we were doing something wrong, or more pointedly I was too bull headed or wanted everything my way. Living only to have the chance to tell him "No" about something.
God changed his heart in the last few months. What brought the change nearly destroyed our marriage, but we are living in an attitude of restoration and forgiveness. It literally could only have come from God. I can say now, that our marriage is better and stronger now, even though it has been less than 6mo.
From my perspective marriage is hard. It takes more work than you will realize. The goal is not to cruise, but to share a life, and that means that one or both of you will hurt each other's feelings every now and then. Say things you don't mean, and irritate each other. Sometimes, the deepest hurt you could ever imagine becomes a glaring reality and you have to choose to fight or walk away.
The world makes it easy, get hurt...then leave, nobody has a long enough life to be "unhappy" at any point right? Wrong! Your husband can, and will, hurt you more than any other person in the world. Your love for him is, and rightly should be, far deeper than even the love you have for your own children. Quotes like this are pasted all over social media, almost like a daily mantra of people who want to be perceived as a more self-sacrificing, loving mother than they think they are.
Some how we appear pompous. This is the relationship that is under attack! Fight back! Odds are people are not going to openly attack your relationship with your children, but they will look for any chink in the armor in your marriage...trust me, we have survived it!
"But, my husband hurt me so bad!" Ok, it will happen. I will cry with you, but short of him harming your physical body, I will tell you to go seek your husband out and reconcile. He will hurt your feelings in ways that can send your heart crashing to the ground. Most of the time, he won't even know he did it. Or, a word from him can fill your heart with so much love you could choke on it. Your love for him is DEEPER. It's in your soul. It's meant to mimic Christ and the church, it's meant to be spiritual...My mom used to tell us that hurting a child's will did less damage than hurting their spirit. She was right, the same goes for adults. Give as much care to your spouse's spirit as you do your children. It's never a win when you battle your spouse.
So, to answer my own question. Is everyone's marriage hard, or just mine?...Yes, marriage is hard, and yours will have hard times too. Can you survive deep heart-shattering hurt? Yes, but you have to be resolved to forgive every single day. Days will be hard, and you will feel like your are drowning, but those will pass. Will there ever be an easy time? Once you both grow together, more and more, the easy times will be longer and will sustain you through the hard times.
If you are struggling, and feel that you can't live like this anymore, I ask you to be still. Don't turn your pain into a democratic vote to continue your marriage or end it by telling everyone what happened, and waiting to hear what they say. Don't ask your single friends, or those who are divorced and not remarried yet. Don't ask the outspoken woman's libber who has a vendetta against men. Ask the wise, someone with time and experience on their side. Someone who's marriage looks "easy" on the outside; I can guarantee that it hasn't been. Seek God, he is FOR MARRIAGE!
My husband surprised me the other day by telling me that he used to think that our marriage was too hard. That he felt that every marriage he saw was doing better than we were, and not having to work as hard at it as we were. His parents decade plus of marriage, which ended in divorce at 19 years. The marriages of his grandparents who were married 50+ years in 2012. Plus all the aunts and uncles he has. He said they all didn't look like they had to work at it, and I replied, "well, some of them weren't. But every marriage has hard stuff, they just don't tell you about it." When we got married and started butting heads on things, he thought that meant we were doing something wrong, or more pointedly I was too bull headed or wanted everything my way. Living only to have the chance to tell him "No" about something.
God changed his heart in the last few months. What brought the change nearly destroyed our marriage, but we are living in an attitude of restoration and forgiveness. It literally could only have come from God. I can say now, that our marriage is better and stronger now, even though it has been less than 6mo.
From my perspective marriage is hard. It takes more work than you will realize. The goal is not to cruise, but to share a life, and that means that one or both of you will hurt each other's feelings every now and then. Say things you don't mean, and irritate each other. Sometimes, the deepest hurt you could ever imagine becomes a glaring reality and you have to choose to fight or walk away.
The world makes it easy, get hurt...then leave, nobody has a long enough life to be "unhappy" at any point right? Wrong! Your husband can, and will, hurt you more than any other person in the world. Your love for him is, and rightly should be, far deeper than even the love you have for your own children. Quotes like this are pasted all over social media, almost like a daily mantra of people who want to be perceived as a more self-sacrificing, loving mother than they think they are.
I honestly am tired of these. They send a very pointed message. It's not "my children are important to me", it's "my children are more important than my husband." You may not see that, but that's what I see. Then, when people like myself choose not to post such things, and instead post....
Some how we appear pompous. This is the relationship that is under attack! Fight back! Odds are people are not going to openly attack your relationship with your children, but they will look for any chink in the armor in your marriage...trust me, we have survived it!
"But, my husband hurt me so bad!" Ok, it will happen. I will cry with you, but short of him harming your physical body, I will tell you to go seek your husband out and reconcile. He will hurt your feelings in ways that can send your heart crashing to the ground. Most of the time, he won't even know he did it. Or, a word from him can fill your heart with so much love you could choke on it. Your love for him is DEEPER. It's in your soul. It's meant to mimic Christ and the church, it's meant to be spiritual...My mom used to tell us that hurting a child's will did less damage than hurting their spirit. She was right, the same goes for adults. Give as much care to your spouse's spirit as you do your children. It's never a win when you battle your spouse.
So, to answer my own question. Is everyone's marriage hard, or just mine?...Yes, marriage is hard, and yours will have hard times too. Can you survive deep heart-shattering hurt? Yes, but you have to be resolved to forgive every single day. Days will be hard, and you will feel like your are drowning, but those will pass. Will there ever be an easy time? Once you both grow together, more and more, the easy times will be longer and will sustain you through the hard times.
If you are struggling, and feel that you can't live like this anymore, I ask you to be still. Don't turn your pain into a democratic vote to continue your marriage or end it by telling everyone what happened, and waiting to hear what they say. Don't ask your single friends, or those who are divorced and not remarried yet. Don't ask the outspoken woman's libber who has a vendetta against men. Ask the wise, someone with time and experience on their side. Someone who's marriage looks "easy" on the outside; I can guarantee that it hasn't been. Seek God, he is FOR MARRIAGE!
Monday, June 3, 2013
Grilled Cheese and Pickles
Today my lunch consisted of Grilled cheese and bread and butter pickles. I don't eat stuff like this unless...Morning sickness? Check! Growing Pains? Check! Yes, we are expecting our 4th baby. Our due date was determined via ultrasound....1/4/14....looks like 4 is the theme to me!
We have known for several weeks that we were pregnant, but their dates and my dates didn't jive. So, last week I had a full scan, and voila 8week and 3 day old little bean with a nicely beating heartbeat.
Are we excited? Absolutely!
Do we know that 4 kids under 4 is going to be "hard"? Yes, but it will be worth it!
You might have 3 in Diapers! Yes, I have before, and I don't mind.
Won't that be expensive, how can you afford it? You afford what is important to you, we are not going to have two cars, or lots of toys, but our home will be full and so will our hearts.
Motherhood has taught me that these years are fleeting. What seems impossible or unimaginable to one mom is exactly another's dream. This is mine. Kids all over the place with my husband at my side. I may not get to have pedicures or girls days out every week. We may only get a date out when grandparents come visit. We may not get two vacations a year, but like I said before, time goes by so fast!
I just became a doula in training, and I have a newfound hope for this 4th birth. A new sense of what is important to me and my husband for the delivery. From my other three experiences, which I still think were good considering that I did have several medical interventions because I asked for them, I have learned a lot. This one will be just as wonderful, we will have another little blessing to hold and love, that is what this journey is all about. Love.
A love bourn out of sacrifice, pain, and labor. Something that only parenthood can bring in your life. Weather you gave birth to your own children, or were gifted them by God, you know what I am talking about. There is nothing easy about this. But, it will be worth it!
I am excited to be overwhelmed; to have my hands even more full. To figure out naptime again. To go through baby clothes every couple weeks to keep up with growth spurts of the baby and worry about weather or not we have the next size up for the older ones. To hear the comments in public about our family, like they think I would take all this back if I could, or that I should be ashamed of myself...but I absolutely wouldn't and I'm not. I won't apologize for these little beings existence, they are gifts.
4 kids under 4...we are in for a wild ride!
We have known for several weeks that we were pregnant, but their dates and my dates didn't jive. So, last week I had a full scan, and voila 8week and 3 day old little bean with a nicely beating heartbeat.
Are we excited? Absolutely!
Do we know that 4 kids under 4 is going to be "hard"? Yes, but it will be worth it!
You might have 3 in Diapers! Yes, I have before, and I don't mind.
Won't that be expensive, how can you afford it? You afford what is important to you, we are not going to have two cars, or lots of toys, but our home will be full and so will our hearts.
Motherhood has taught me that these years are fleeting. What seems impossible or unimaginable to one mom is exactly another's dream. This is mine. Kids all over the place with my husband at my side. I may not get to have pedicures or girls days out every week. We may only get a date out when grandparents come visit. We may not get two vacations a year, but like I said before, time goes by so fast!
I just became a doula in training, and I have a newfound hope for this 4th birth. A new sense of what is important to me and my husband for the delivery. From my other three experiences, which I still think were good considering that I did have several medical interventions because I asked for them, I have learned a lot. This one will be just as wonderful, we will have another little blessing to hold and love, that is what this journey is all about. Love.
A love bourn out of sacrifice, pain, and labor. Something that only parenthood can bring in your life. Weather you gave birth to your own children, or were gifted them by God, you know what I am talking about. There is nothing easy about this. But, it will be worth it!
Original source of pic unknown
I am excited to be overwhelmed; to have my hands even more full. To figure out naptime again. To go through baby clothes every couple weeks to keep up with growth spurts of the baby and worry about weather or not we have the next size up for the older ones. To hear the comments in public about our family, like they think I would take all this back if I could, or that I should be ashamed of myself...but I absolutely wouldn't and I'm not. I won't apologize for these little beings existence, they are gifts.
4 kids under 4...we are in for a wild ride!
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