It's Morning Somewhere!

This week was hard on our family.  We had some sudden things happen and it threw us all off.  My husband is working through some things from his military service that are really a long process now that he's out and medical care is harder to come by.  Our youngest son will get an MRI tomorrow afternoon for a mystery knot on his bottom.  We need prayers if you please!

I used to be wary of asking for prayer for myself or my family.  Somehow I thought that God didn't want to hear from me like that.  I never saw prayer as integral to my life, let alone to my relationship with God.  Now my perspective is different.

If prayer wasn't important why would there be verses like this....Pray continually(1Thess 5:17)...I want men everywhere to lift up holy hands in prayer, without anger or disputing(1 Tim 2:8)...Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful(Col 4:2)....In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express(Rom 8:26)

Prayer is the answer to our peace.  Peace...do you have it?  

I am busy, a wife, a mother, and completely human.  I am guilty of not making the time for the prayer life that I need or want. I also believe that prayer and study should happen together because you need to talk and listen...it is a mutual relationship after all, He wants to talk to you!   I am a work in progess, and slowly I am figuring out what I need to do to make all of this happen daily.

Something that I think has helped me figure a few logistical things out recently is people's honesty about their own quiet time and prayer.  More than one blogger I follow, and a man at our church even(who is a pastor too, but not over our congregation), has admitted to doing these things in the middle of the day or at night.  This was such a profound thing to me.  I had always thought that if I couldn't do it in the first hours of my day that I was a failure and didn't even try later....kinda like when you cheat on your diet a little, and then you throw in the towel.  This is not the case.

You know the saying, "it's 5 O'Clock somewhere"....I would like to think that no matter what time of the day it is where I am....IT'S MORNING SOMEWHERE!  So, grab your bible...and your coffee cup too, why not...and have your time with God!  Morning, after breakfast, nap time, break time, lunch time, after your husband gets home and you can steal a moment, after the kids go to bed, last thing you do before you go to bed.  Git'er done! 

I challenge you to find your time and do it daily for a week.  It doesn't have to be the same time every day, it just needs to happen.  I also ask that you would include my family in your prayers.

Love God, Love your Husband, Love your families
Nicole

The Unseen Mission field

  What do you think of when you hear of missions? Going to a foreign country? 3rd world living? Living with people who don't speak the same language as you do? It can be all of those things, but it can be a little closer to home too.

   I used to go to a little town church in Montana with my twin sister to help with vacation bible school. We did it faithfully for 6 years, until we got out of high school and had our lives take other directions. They called us their missionaries. We traveled to teach these little people about Jesus. It was a simple version of missions, and one that I had never considered until they called us that.

   I had forgotten this simple definition for a long time, until the other day when I was talking to my husband about marriage. I realized that a marriage should be your first, and most important mission field. It is a relationship born of God to mimic the relationship between God and the church. What greater mission do we have than to reflect Christ back to those around us by our interactions with our spouse?

   This is the unseen mission field. Unseen? I call it this because very few people are going to realize that you are ministering to them just by interacting with your spouse in an honorable and loving way. It is a relationship built into the laws of our nation, though we have a separation of church and state. It is also under attack in our nation in the name of 'equality', though it is an institution of the church.

   How do we work our mission field?
 
   Women-
    ....We love our husbands second only to God! 1,2,3 they are looking at me!...yes, the world is looking at you. The jokes you post on facebook about being the boss. The comparison to animals; dogs. Calling your husband a man-child(I also have to clean the clothes off the floor and the pee off the seat, but I do it because I love my husband) When you post that your children are your only reason to live in the entire world; your very breath each day.
   ....We honor them in our speech, mannerisms, and dress. Yes, I said dress. Dress to impress in public, dress to be stared at in your bedroom. Other men lusting after your body in front of your husband in front of him is not going to honor your relationship. I have chosen to dress in a more modest way, that I will mention in another post in the future.
   ....We are subject to them in all things. No, I am not advising a slave/master relationship, that would be ridiculous. There is a strength in letting another person lead, and an even greater strength when it is within a biblical relationship. If your husband is close to God, you do not have to worry that he will abuse this power. Our marriages are under attack, fight for your testimony, and treat it as the mission field it is.

 Love God, Love your husbands, Love your families
Nicole

Am I Giving My Best?

I work overnight at an assisted living that specializes in Alzheimer's care.  My job is to make that place shine.  Do laundry, clean, cook or prep for the next day's meals, and check on the residents throughout the night.  While I was working the other night, and cleaning and exploded mess out of the washer and dryer from an adult brief that got missed, I got to thinking about how I work versus how I am at home.

At work I am punctual, organized, pick up after myself immediately, and do everything on my "to-do" list that needs done.  I go out of my way to make sure that I get it all done, and that I get it done RIGHT.  Do I do this at home?  Short answer: Nope.  Reason: Nobody can fire me from this postion, right?  I thought about that for a while, as the only person there who was awake, and capable of deep conversation, was me.

Do I slack off at home because nobody expects the same things out of me that they do when I am working or serving in another way outside of my home?  We have heard the old song and dance of doing things as if the Lord were coming over to your house, but he was a man too at one point and he struggled with the laziness and lack of expectation that I do.  Do I think that a dirty house is going to be the reason that I don't get into heaven?  No.  Do I think that Jesus was not clean?  No, my point was not to assume anything about Jesus, but to point out that he knows our struggles from a first hand experience.

My heart was heavy knowing that my answer to my own question, "Am I giving my family the same level of effort that I do the place that I work?", was, No.  I am not giving my family the best of myself, my time, my effort.  I am using myself up everywhere else but at home, with the people that God has given me to take care of.  Now, how do I correct this?

I start expecting more of myself.  I don't take the clothing out the dryer unless I intend to fold it and put it where it goes, no matter what.  I do the dishes at every meal and put them away, even if it means that I have to wash and dry another piece of laundry, no matter what.  I find places for things in my home, and don't just throw it in our room when people are going to come over, that is not respecting my husband or myself or the place that we go to be alone together.  I make sure that I finish what I start.

It all sounds so simple, but when you have 4 babie.s running you all over the place, a husband in college full time, a job that means you have to carve out at least an extra 4 hours to get some sleep before that shift AND take care of the kids with no sleep because of the college bound husband....it gets very draining.  All I want is a giant nap...but I'm not going to get it.

This is a season in our life that I want to fast-foreward, so that we can go back to me being home with the kids and my husband being the one who works outside the home, but I don't know when that will be.  My kids and my husband need me now, not later, and I am going to work on giving them my best every day

What's Important?

Our first month of marriage, November 2008, my husband found out how important a vacuum was to me.  He didn't own one for his apartment...yes bachelor syndrome was rampant there, and I say that in the most loving way...and I hadn't gotten one as I had just gotten done working as a live-in nanny and hadn't needed to buy one.

The night we pulled into OKC and walked up the stairs I was greeted by pizza boxes, piles of clothes, packed boxes, and a furniture bare apartment.  We were expecting a couple, who were friends of ours, to meet us at our house to unload our U-haul, and I was panicked!  This place was quite messy, and even though it was only going to get cluttered by the things coming in from the truck I still felt they shouldn't be greeted with the things that I saw.  I got down to business, and got it somewhat cleaned up before they arrived.  My husband has never forgotten that day, or the month that followed while we waited for payday to get a vacuum.

I wouldn't say I was surly about the lack of a vacuum.  I improvised and actually swept the carpet with a broom to get rid of the pieces I could see, but with a dog and two adults coming and going it was starting to get discouraging.  Black Friday we were walking through Walmart, and my husband spotted a $28 vacuum, and it literally was the best present EVER!

I brought my present up to the register, and I literally was excited to be able to get that thing home and use it.  The cashier, a man, looked at this vacuum and said, "it's black friday and that's all you could get her?"  He didn't understand...but my husband did.  It was important to me.

So, for the second time in our marriage my husband has looked at what is important to me, and today he walked through the front door with a brand new vacuum!  Our other one had decided to burn up 2 days ago, and I had not made any plans to buy a new one because I knew we had other things we needed to focus on, not to mention I still had my broom and I could make do for a while with that if we had to.

Here was, not only a new vacuum, but the one that I had mentioned wanting to get when we could afford to.  I have a habit of getting the cheapest thing for myself, instead of the things I really want when I am left on my own to shop.  My husband is either much more practical than me, he always says "you get what you pay for", or more impulsive than me and is trying to make me happy.  I guess either way he has noticed what is important to me.

Men, I urge you to watch your wife as much as you need to be listening to the things she says.  Finding what is important to her is essential, and helping her get/do those things is needed.  It can be something as simple as making sure that she has a vacuum available to her at all times or picking up flowers for her when she seems to be having a bad day.  If you can't tell what is important to your wife I have some solutions for you.

#1-Ask her sibilings, friends, or parents for advice.
#2-Read the "5 Love Languages" book, you can find it at most book stores.
#3-Watch her when she is "busy" what does she pay attention to the most, other than the kids or you?

5 months after

It has been 5 months since we went from a military family to civilian life.  My husband floats between being grateful he got out when he did and being upset and a little bitter about the 8 years he spent serving.

Today after church he got a little gift.  A perfect stranger said a word or two to him as he was putting the carts away in the coral.  I couldn't hear the exchange from inside the car, but I knew the body language well.  The man asked a question, my husband perked up and answered him.  Then, the older man walked a few steps so he could shake his hand.  They continued to chat a bit, but I knew that man had just thanked and honored my husband for serving his country.  This is always a tear jerker for me.

I know what he and our family endured and sacrificed while he was in service.  The wounds, though not visible, are there.  The time spent away for training.  Missed family functions and birthdays.  The abuse at the hands of those who should stand up for the innocent.  All of these things are reality in military life.  But, being thanked takes a little bit of the sting from it.

I know the military helped shape this man I love, in good and frustrating ways alike, but he is now on the path to being the man he always wanted to be.  A patient, kind, loving, God fearing provider.  I now can thank the service for that...5 months after.  And, I have to say I love my man in uniform!

Seeking Perfection in an Imperfect World

I have been making a great effort to keep my sink shiny, thanks to the flylady.  I have been getting her emails for a couple years now and I admit that I never paid enough attention to the actual process until now.  I guess kid #4 was enough for me to realize that I had help to get my home in order, I just wasn't using it to its full potential.

She makes a point in several of her email encouragements throughout the day/ week, to mention our problem with "perfection" being the root of our mess making ways and getting so overwhelmed.  I didn't really dwell on that point until last night.  I had been keeping things caught up and I had let myself fall into my habit of filling the sink and not washing as I went.  By the time my husband got home from college it was FULL and my anxiety level was starting to get high.  My very least favorite thing to do in my home is dishes and my husband has been kind enough to acknowledge this and work with it...meaning I cook and he does the dishes when he comes home, but my goal is for this not to happen anymore.  He was busy when he got home, and then he had homework and reading to do, but I could feel myself getting angry that he didn't drop what he was doing and do the dishes for me.  I stopped myself right there!  Perfectionism, this is exactly when it finally dawned on me what she meant.

Perfectionism keeps us from fully engaging in relationships, trying new things, and embracing the unknown parts of life.  It causes us to be disappointed in our new job after only a week, because the honeymoon has worn off and now it's officially become work.   It keeps us from praising our kids when they make one good choice during a really hard day of bad decisions.  It keeps us from seeing our husband as the man we married, instead of "just like every other guy", after a few years.  It is a damaging force that we allow to give us a critical spirit.

"I'm not a perfectionist."  You may not be a true perfectionist, but everyone wants something to work the "right" way for them.  It could be that you want your kids to be more like so-and-so's.  You have a spouse who takes a lot of patience on your part, and you feel like you are always the one carrying the load.  Guess what?  This world is not perfect.  Brilliant, right? 

Give yourself, your spouse, your kids, and the world in general a little bit of room for imperfection.  Stop planning responses before you can even do them.  Stop giving yourself a license to be disappointed in so many things, and begin to see the blessings. 

I have been happier, and my family has been too, while I have been following my own advice.  I still have a ways to go to have my household nailed down but I am taking it an inch at a time, and I think that is how we handle imperfection...an inch at a time, to keep our expectation from taking over. I saw this quote, and though I am not familiar with the author I really like it.

1 month down

One month down. We are in our new state, and still staying with my great-aunt and uncle.  This is not where we thought we would be.  We thought our house in Oklahoma would have rented already, that one or both of us would have a full time job, we would be in our own space and waiting patiently for baby #4 to arrive and my husband to go to school in the new year.  Not one of these things has happened, other than waiting on the baby and school.

I know that my family is getting anxious to see us go to our own house, and if we could we would.  I certainly never thought that we would end up "homeless" and depending on others to house us.  It goes against my sense of independence, and my husband's, but our babies are the reason we are working through the frustration and feelings of failure.

We were told that rest is coming, a time of rest?  This would be very nice!  And this week the kids and I are at my mom's house while my husband is staying with my aunt so he can go to work.  Lots of fear and worry have come up in me that I have had to battle hard over the last 24 hours.  Fears of history repeating itself, and my brain either making up or noticing similar "patterns" to the former circumstances....you know what I discovered once I rebuked my depression?

#1 God is guiding our path- there are things happening that would not be able to happen if things had been different this last month.

#2 God blesses those who bless others- we are mandated to share our surplus in the bible...Hebrews 13:16, 1 Timothy 6:18, Luke 3:11, Luke 6:38.  There have been times since our marriage that we have been the ones to bless others, and I literally just realized that we are essentially getting it back in our time of desperate need.

#3 God is keeping His promises....this could take a LONG time to explain all of the ways he is keeping His promises to us

#4 I cannot live by fear- I can't hang onto things so tightly that I shove God out of my way.  I remember telling this to my husband early in our marriage and now I am having to swallow my own pills.

#5 Maybe God really doesn't want me to work outside the home-After countless times of being denied employment recently and LOTS of family telling me that they are starting to believe that I may not be destined to have a job outside of the home, I am starting to believe them.  It would be awesome to know what exactly I should be doing to contribute financially, if anything, though.  So, be in prayer that God would reveal it to me.

5 Years

November 1, 2013.  This date marks 5 years of marriage for me and my husband.  It is 5 years of growing (in more than a few ways) and changing.

3.5 kids, #4 due in 2014.....
1 house, and soon a rental.....
 Enlistment in the Air Force complete....
Move to another state....
Get new jobs, and keep trying to get jobs....
4 different churches so far....
3 dogs, though none are with us now...
1 foster child....and a partridge in a pear tree, right? 

Needless to say, we have learned a lot.  Not all our lessons were fun, but they brought us here. 

I think some marriages weather storms early because God wants the harvest to outlast the growing period.  And, our growing has made it clear that every marriage has a "hard part"...or more than one...and that even if it looks easy, it isn't.  What matters most is that you can still say that you love this person, and it doesn't matter what happened yesterday or 6 months ago.  Forever is still your destination, and this is just the winding road.

I love this man!  I would not change our past though it is easy to say that I wish I could, because without it I would not see the changes in him that I do in our years together.  I prayed for these changes, and they are a blessing to our marriage, so I thank God for them.  My rambling is not to make our marriage seem a disappointment, but to reassure someone like myself that you can look back on the hard parts of a marriage with new eyes.  That you can still love this life you made with your spouse, because it was with them. 

So with all my heart, happy anniversary to my handsome husband!

Still Waiting...

I have been trying not to worry....
I really have been trying...
I have been praying this verse....daily for three weeks....
Last night I realized that it was in fact a verse from the Holy Spirit because someone who was praying for me confirmed that she kept hearing the same verse over and over while they were praying for me.  She didn't even know how much I have struggled with worry...my husband hasn't even known.

Jeremiah 29:11

New International Version (NIV)

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I have been praying this in the moments that I feel like I'm going to lose it...
When I argue with my husband about how much I dislike living in my Aunt's living room....
When I realized that we have been here for 3 WEEKS...
When I have to pull the couch out into a bed AGAIN, and sleep on a very well used pull out mattress 29weeks pregnant....
When we have to put the couch back, and put EVERYTHING we own back into our van so that people can actually walk around the living room or even find a seat...
When my two littlest ones have diarrhea because people are not used to being as diligent about checking labels, and they have gotten a hold of something that contains dairy....
When I can see the look on my family's faces when they realize that we still haven't moved out that day, when they get back from work...
When I do dishes or make food in someone else's kitchen, and I don't feel like I can do enough to not be any more of a burden than we are on them...

I want to cry all the time.  My oldest son said he "hates this" yesterday, though I think he was talking about what my uncle was watching on the TV.  I caught myself, mid-admonishment, and realized that he had heard the exact same thing out of my mouth when I was talking to my husband about our current situation. 

I caught a glimpse of myself at church last night, and I look...haggard was all I could think at the time...I know I'm not sleeping well, or probably eating very much.  If you ask my aunt I'm not eating enough, or taking enough time to rest.  How do you rest when it feels like you have so much to do? 
Jobs to find.  Interviews to schedule.  Husband to work.  Kids to be fed and cleaned.  Messes to clean up in a house with 11 people in it...4 of which can't do much to contribute because of their ages.

I'm ready for rest.  Whatever that looks like I'm ready for it.  But here we are, still waiting.  I gave this verse to someone else the other day who was waiting on their husband to decide something that was important to them.  I guess I was just warming up to use it for my family.

 

So we are still waiting.....

Our Whole New Menu

About a month before our big move north, we had to make a drastic change in our family.  With two of three babies, the younger two, having digestive issues with milk and just going lactose free for them was not working very well.  We thought long and hard about shifting our whole family not only to a lactose free, but dairy free menu.  This was going to be HUGE!

Our oldest has quite an affection for dairy in any form.  Milk, cheese, you name it.  Not only that, but we would have to be very diligent about reading labels because dairy sneaks into the strangest places in commercial products.  Casein, Whey, milk, butter, milk powder, and then you have the products that have potentially come into contact with some form of "milk".  We were confused.  We were determined.  We had two, sometimes very miserable, babies that needed everyone in our home on board with changing our lifestyles to make them well.  We jumped right in.

My husband and I both agree that going dairy free for us also meant not diving into soy products because of the risk of lots of exposure to plant based estrogen for our growing young men.  I know lots of men who grew up on soy products, but we decided that was not the way we were going to go.  Our new Vitamix blender became our very best purchase to date in regards to our family.

I could blend up batches of coconut and almond milk.  Make dairy free dressings and sauces in no time, and give our babies a nutritionally dense smoothie every day to help supplement the vitamins that they were no longer receiving from dairy products.  It is a truly fantastic machine, and it is the only way that our family could make it with the price of dairy free milks on the market.  Someday I will share our smoothie recipe, which is pretty versatile, but I usually just throw things in and eyeball it so I will actually have to measure it out in order to do that. 

After one month of being off all forms of dairy our two youngest babies finally were not having the digestive problems of the past.  No diarrhea, which had plagued our middle child for over a year.  No throwing up at least once or twice a week.  Improvement of skin rashes that had begun to develop on both children.  Even their attitude and energy levels improved...all 3 of them benefitted in this way!  The real surprise was that my husband and myself had noticed changes in our own bodies and attitudes.  THIS was the what we needed to do for our family.

Our pediatrician had not felt the need to test our kids for sensitivities or allergies, even when presented with the symptoms, because they were growing and "healthy" otherwise.  But, as a momma it breaks you down to not know why your kids are having some digestive problem, or a strange skin break out, and you don't know what to do about it. 

It was my husband and I that took our middle son off of lactose, with small improvement in his body.  And it was our drive to truly fix the problem and change our entire menu for the entire household, FOR these little people God gave us, that really made the difference.  My husband even had a co-worker get almost angry at him for going dairy free like we did, because he didn't see the point if he wasn't allergic as well.  Like we now tell our oldest child...sometimes you do what is best for the people you care about even if it is an inconvenience to you. This is probably the second greatest lesson we learned by doing this.  The first is to not be afraid to try everything to make your babies well because it is the right thing to do.

Building Our House

A Friday evening drive through the winding roads of Montana. Between our new home town and my old one.  The roads, like our conversation, zig and zag but keep a constant theme of trees and rocks.  Houses dot the area here and there.  And it got us thinking.

We aren't the type that listen to the radio, just to keep the silence at bay, we like to chat while we travel.We discuss lots of things, some serious and others light.  Tonight was a somewhat serious conversation.  Talking of the acts of faith we have taken in the last year; some leaps and others hops, but all have brought us here.  We pondered a sermon that our Oklahoma pastor shared about marriage.

Using a house as an example, he likened men to the foundation.  Strong, solid, meant to bear weight and pressure.  He likened women to the walls.  Meant to be seen, pretty, they complete the look of the house, they are essential to the structure just as the foundation.  One without the other is not complete.

My mind went on....and on with this.

I know the pastor meant this sermon to be an inspiration to the men in our church, to take up their responsibilities and be the foundation of their own families.  I don't think our pastor painted a truly complete picture of a house.  Walls are not made just for being pretty.  Walls are strong, they hold the roof, they bear weight as well.  Eventually they settle into the foundation.  And, after some adjustments, they are one unit.  The house and the foundation will not be moved any more after this, though it may stand for decades it can only truly settle once.  The foundation must settle too, but it must be built on solid ground.  I think all of these are essential points for a marriage as well.

The order of marriage is God, Husband, and wife...and that is how you have to build your house.  Solid ground, Foundation, and Walls.  We are not made to stand alone.  We are made in an order that demands changes, some quick like adding pictures on a wall and others that take time like the settling of a house.  We are meant to be ONE with our spouse, and through the settling of time you will get there. What you put in your house matters too...but we will discuss that later. 

Happy building!

HUG myself for 100 days

  Things happen in marriage to change us, grow us, and teach us.  I learned several lessons 5 months ago, but the biggest lesson came yesterday.  I was not living beyond the circumstances of that day, I was living in fear of it happening again, as if that would keep it from happening.

  God gave me a word, H.U.G, and a mission for me.  My mission: to change my heart and mind by seeking him to let these fears go.  H.U.G: this is how I'm going to do it.

  H-humility, I will seek to live in humility.  U-understanding, I will learn to understand God more, and in turn I will understand myself and my purpose more.  G- grace, I will show grace to those who have wronged me, and live under that same grace because I AM a child of God.  I will do this for 100 days.

  Why 100, why not 30 or 60?  It has been nearly 6 months since the day that nearly destroyed my marriage.  It has taken me this long to realize that I was not really giving all of my fear to God, I was hoarding it because I wasn't trusting that the plan He laid out for us was what was really going to happen.  I was trying to control it.  So, I will devote half as long as it took to me realize my mistake to making myself over and giving it ALL over to God as I should have.  He spoke restoration into our marriage, and that is what He is doing...without my interference from now on.

  I will read my bible, daily.  I will pray about what the goal for each day is, and I will implement it.  I will do this to change myself, because the best thing I can do for my marriage is to seek God.

Strength of a Man

Yesterday was Father's Day. I can say that I may not have been born to the man who I feel had a greater hand in raising me and my sisters, but he's my dad, just as much as my own father. For some this is a sad day of remembrance for someone they lost. Someone who wasn't around, or didn't act like a father should to his children. But, for others it is a true celebration of the title given to men who truly raise their children up.

I have married such a man. He is a FATHER. Up at night, play outside, be patient when he doesn't want to be...father. Our children are blessed to have him. He is laying the groundwork for the fathers I hope our boys become, and the man who our daughter chooses to have a family with. He is laying a foundation of strength, love, and hard work.

Our pastor made reference to how boys play together today in church when he was talking about the role of a father. The wrestling, and rough housing that makes some of us mommas cringe is really a test drive of their manly muscles. They want to know they are strong, capable, and able.

I noticed our boys played much differently than my sister's and myself did as kids. They can be so sick that they don't want to eat or drink, and yet they will get up to wrestle. The weaker they feel the more they are ready to try to take on the world. And, I guess that is their true design.

How do we cultivate this budding manhood in our boys, and still avoid the bleeding and broken bones or coming to real blows. I think that is a balance that must be established early. My step brothers put each other in the ER several times, but always at their mother's house. My husband and his sister did the same because their mom believed in letting them "fight it out". I don't remember doing this to my sisters or any of my boy cousins doing it to their siblings. I think manhood is about strength under control, and that is how I am going to encourage our boys.

A man is capable of hurting someone, but knows he shouldn't and doesn't. A man should also be capable of gentleness, and use it often. There are many layers to strength and not all have to do with muscles, some are about character, and how they treat those they are responsible for. This is the strength of a MAN.

Compliment often...
Play...
Wrestle...
Hug..
And encourage your young men to find their strength, under control...

Is everyone else's marriage hard, or just mine?

I've noted over the last 4 1/2 years that marriage is hard, but I do hear people asking if it should be THIS hard all over the place.

My husband surprised me the other day by telling me that he used to think that our marriage was too hard. That he felt that every marriage he saw was doing better than we were, and not having to work as hard at it as we were. His parents decade plus of marriage, which ended in divorce at 19 years. The marriages of his grandparents who were married 50+ years in 2012. Plus all the aunts and uncles he has. He said they all didn't look like they had to work at it, and I replied, "well, some of them weren't. But every marriage has hard stuff, they just don't tell you about it." When we got married and started butting heads on things, he thought that meant we were doing something wrong, or more pointedly I was too bull headed or wanted everything my way. Living only to have the chance to tell him "No" about something.

God changed his heart in the last few months. What brought the change nearly destroyed our marriage, but we are living in an attitude of restoration and forgiveness. It literally could only have come from God. I can say now, that our marriage is better and stronger now, even though it has been less than 6mo.

From my perspective marriage is hard. It takes more work than you will realize. The goal is not to cruise, but to share a life, and that means that one or both of you will hurt each other's feelings every now and then. Say things you don't mean, and irritate each other. Sometimes, the deepest hurt you could ever imagine becomes a glaring reality and you have to choose to fight or walk away.

The world makes it easy, get hurt...then leave, nobody has a long enough life to be "unhappy" at any point right? Wrong! Your husband can, and will, hurt you more than any other person in the world. Your love for him is, and rightly should be, far deeper than even the love you have for your own children. Quotes like this are pasted all over social media, almost like a daily mantra of people who want to be perceived as a more self-sacrificing, loving mother than they think they are.

 

I honestly am tired of these. They send a very pointed message. It's not "my children are important to me", it's "my children are more important than my husband." You may not see that, but that's what I see. Then, when people like myself choose not to post such things, and instead post....

 



Some how we appear pompous. This is the relationship that is under attack! Fight back! Odds are people are not going to openly attack your relationship with your children, but they will look for any chink in the armor in your marriage...trust me, we have survived it!

"But, my husband hurt me so bad!" Ok, it will happen. I will cry with you, but short of him harming your physical body, I will tell you to go seek your husband out and reconcile. He will hurt your feelings in ways that can send your heart crashing to the ground. Most of the time, he won't even know he did it. Or, a word from him can fill your heart with so much love you could choke on it. Your love for him is DEEPER. It's in your soul. It's meant to mimic Christ and the church, it's meant to be spiritual...My mom used to tell us that hurting a child's will did less damage than hurting their spirit. She was right, the same goes for adults. Give as much care to your spouse's spirit as you do your children. It's never a win when you battle your spouse.

So, to answer my own question. Is everyone's marriage hard, or just mine?...Yes, marriage is hard, and yours will have hard times too. Can you survive deep heart-shattering hurt? Yes, but you have to be resolved to forgive every single day. Days will be hard, and you will feel like your are drowning, but those will pass. Will there ever be an easy time? Once you both grow together, more and more, the easy times will be longer and will sustain you through the hard times.

If you are struggling, and feel that you can't live like this anymore, I ask you to be still. Don't turn your pain into a democratic vote to continue your marriage or end it by telling everyone what happened, and waiting to hear what they say. Don't ask your single friends, or those who are divorced and not remarried yet. Don't ask the outspoken woman's libber who has a vendetta against men. Ask the wise, someone with time and experience on their side. Someone who's marriage looks "easy" on the outside; I can guarantee that it hasn't been. Seek God, he is FOR MARRIAGE!

Grilled Cheese and Pickles

Today my lunch consisted of Grilled cheese and bread and butter pickles. I don't eat stuff like this unless...Morning sickness? Check! Growing Pains? Check! Yes, we are expecting our 4th baby. Our due date was determined via ultrasound....1/4/14....looks like 4 is the theme to me!

We have known for several weeks that we were pregnant, but their dates and my dates didn't jive.  So, last week I had a full scan, and voila 8week and 3 day old little bean with a nicely beating heartbeat.

Are we excited? Absolutely!

Do we know that 4 kids under 4 is going to be "hard"? Yes, but it will be worth it!

You might have 3 in Diapers! Yes, I have before, and I don't mind.

Won't that be expensive, how can you afford it? You afford what is important to you, we are not going to have two cars, or lots of toys, but our home will be full and so will our hearts.

Motherhood has taught me that these years are fleeting. What seems impossible or unimaginable to one mom is exactly another's dream. This is mine. Kids all over the place with my husband at my side. I may not get to have pedicures or girls days out every week. We may only get a date out when grandparents come visit. We may not get two vacations a year, but like I said before, time goes by so fast!

I just became a doula in training, and I have a newfound hope for this 4th birth. A new sense of what is important to me and my husband for the delivery. From my other three experiences, which I still think were good considering that I did have several medical interventions because I asked for them, I have learned a lot. This one will be just as wonderful, we will have another little blessing to hold and love, that is what this journey is all about. Love.

A love bourn out of sacrifice, pain, and labor. Something that only parenthood can bring in your life. Weather you gave birth to your own children, or were gifted them by God, you know what I am talking about. There is nothing easy about this. But, it will be worth it!

Original source of pic unknown

 I am excited to be overwhelmed; to have my hands even more full. To figure out naptime again. To go through baby clothes every couple weeks to keep up with growth spurts of the baby and worry about weather or not we have the next size up for the older ones. To hear the comments in public about our family, like they think I would take all this back if I could, or that I should be ashamed of myself...but I absolutely wouldn't and I'm not. I won't apologize for these little beings existence, they are gifts.

4 kids under 4...we are in for a wild ride!

Car Date Night

Oklahoma is at its best again. We are supposed to be watching the horizon...and the news...for bad weather. Did I mention that tornado season can give you some serious anxiety problems? No true storm shelter, and a closet for 5 people..yep it kind of freaks me out.

Last night was the start of our three day weather watch this week, and it was actually very eventful. We actually lost power for about 3 hours! With all of the wind and hail you would think that power loss was common. Nope, the last time we lost power our 3 1/2 year old was under 6mo. Power loss with kids is always eventful.

Out of our children he was the most alarmed by this. He kept asking us to turn the lights on, and when we said they weren't working he would put on his drama king voice and say "oh no, that's terrible!" Bedtime was early in our house for little ones.

What do mom and dad do in the dark at 6:30pm? We made our own drive-in date night in the car. Oh yes, be jealous, we watched MIB3 on the dvd in the van. We have an outlet in the car, and tried to hook up our laptop in the house, but technical difficulties prevented this, so car it is. BBQ Baked chips in hand, my drink and his drink. We had a date. I wonder if he even realizes that we had a date at home? I have mentioned using some home date ideas and he didn't think that it would be as "good" as an out of the home date.

It was actually my husband's idea, and it was awesome! I admit it was born out of my comment of," What are we going to do? I have never liked power outages, I get bored." I'm as bad as the kids...What awesome, unplanned adventure have you had lately?

Losing Weight

My husband has started taking weight loss coffee daily for two weeks. It is almost time for his bi-annual PT test, and he's on it to meet the requirements! I don't know his measurements from before, but I do know his 38's looked a little tight around the middle. Weight loss coffee? You probably didn't know there was such a thing, but there is!

Javita has brought two different coffees to the market. Burn + Control which is the weight loss coffee and contains two fantastic herbs, Garcinia Cambogia and Yerba Matte. Both of these have been proven to aid in fat loss all over the world. And the other is Mind + Energy. This is a coffee that gives you an energy boost without the crash later on from other energy supplements, and it increases your mental function at the same time. No weird flavors, no shakes to mix, it's simply coffee!

This was the big selling point for my husband, who would drink 3 pots a day if he let himself. Then you add the weight loss benefits and it's the perfect storm in your cup! Come and visit my page www.myjavita.com/Nicoleburch

Old Glory Flies Again

As my husband's separation date from the Air Force looms on the horizon, I am seeing that he really was made for this lifestyle, though he will leave it sooner than he hoped.

 He is determined...Ask me how long after we started talking when we met online in a Christian chatroom he knew he was going to marry me

He is honorable...he takes responsibility for his shortcomings, and does his best in other areas

He is full of integrity...If you look up integrity, truth is at the heart of it, though the definition in today's military has evolved to suit the needs of the moment, and sometimes not for the better

He's one of my Heros....I know lots of men and women in the military. Some have seen combat, some haven't but they all joined with the promise that if they needed to they would lay down their life. This last weekend he made if very clear to the whole community where his loyalty lies, and for his conviction I am honored to be his wife. Watch my husband as he goes on a personal mission to raise spirits in the best way he knew how.





He spent the day helping people and serving. Exactly what he loves to do. He told me before he left to go there for the day, "I may never have gotten to deploy, but this is just as important!" And I agree, this mattered to these people. If you listen to the men as they hoist the flag, there is someone in the background who likens the raising to that of the men at Iwo Jima. It may not be international, it may not have come from bombs being dropped, but a destructive force shook this land and the lives of the people who call it home. This is a symbol of hope, home, and security in the midst of some of the most trying days of their lives.

Sometimes all it takes is a little bit of red, white and blue waving in the Oklahoma wind to lift spirits....

Really Remember

This memorial day it has finally hit me. This day is about the past, not the present. Past wars, past military, those who died on the battle field, and those who died at home that have served. It's a day to remember friends and relatives that most of us have never heard or thought about.

We watched a video about Memorial Day at church yesterday, and somewhere between my military wife's heart and my woman's heart I started to cry. I can't even hear the national anthem anymore without crying. I know what sacrifice made that song a reality. I know what families go through with the military at the forefront.

What do people sacrifice when someone serves? Time! Schedules. Birthdays. Anniversaries. Births. Holidays. Graduation. And for those who sacrifice the most, their family member who is serving. Should they expect to have to sacrifice to that extent? No, the odds are in their favor to not be attending a funeral. Should they worry about it happening anyway? No, I don't think so.

What is today? A day for those who sacrificed the most. A day to mourn. A day to remember. A day to know that they are not alone in their memories, that a nation sees the sacrifice. At least it is supposed to be...

It has been turned into what one person called "national grilling and camping day". I don't think that most really understand. Oh, and don't forget it's also a long weekend where people will spend a lot of time drinking. Somehow we have lost our way.

I am asking you to remember today....put down your drink, put down your picnic supplies, wait on your burgers and hot dogs, and really remember! Yes, the past will always be there, and we can't bring them back. But, they deserve a moment of time from those of us basking in our freedoms today. Happy Memorial Day!

Picture from garyvarvel.com

Girlhood Made Simple

This weekend I got brave. I decided I was ready for the blonde grow-out on my hair to be cut off. I don't normally get my hair cut here in OK. I wait until we visit my twin sister in MT who is a hairdresser. My routine is about 6-12 months between hair cuts. I know that is not great for my hair. I know I need to get it done more often. But, it's twice the price for me to get my hair cut than it is for my husband and sons, and they need it more often.

I started growing my hair out about 11 months ago. I decided that I was going to go natural, and try to grow my hair a little longer again. I am doing this for my daughter.

I don't want her to see me dying my hair every 6-8 weeks and to feel that she has to do that in order to be or feel pretty. I want her to see her daddy loving me the way I am, and to see me loving myself the way I am too. I think this is really important for her.

I see 8yr old girls with dyed hair. I see them with what I would consider adult hair cuts, and I am sad. I don't care how long my daughter's hair is, I just don't want her to spend so much time on it that she doesn't have time to be a little girl. I think we've lost that, our little girls being little girls.

How do we cultivate this in our daughters? Is it by home making training, and doing the dishes at every meal? No, I don't think so. Is it by sending her to ballet and cheerleading for toddlers? Certainly not, in my opinion. Is it by making her wear dresses, or girly colored clothing with glitter and Barbie on it? No. I think that girlhood is simple. Simple hair, simple clothing that covers her body, simple colors. Girlhood is just simple.

I think that we complicate this time. Wishing it away by pushing for them to grow up faster than they are capable of. We think they need dancing and glamour because we wish we could have had those things when we were little, but even our moms knew we didn't need it.

My mom had three daughters. I don't remember her ever dying her hair, until her daughter became a hairdresser and wanted to see if she would like it. I don't remember her doing really complicated make up, though she wore some every day. Her hair was flattering, and she did enjoy her perms and hairspray in our younger years. She dressed her age, and wore flatter shoes, and rarely a heel. She grew up simply, and raised us the same. We could play with her eye shadow, blush, and mascara on Saturdays with her. But, it had to come off before we left the house. No heels over 1/2 inch. No brightly colored nail polish, only neutrals.

We had certain womanly milestones that she determined. The summer before 7th grade we got to start wearing make up if we chose to. She even threw us a birthday party, and brought a family friend show us how to put it on appropriately. This was the time that we were also allowed to wear bright colors of nail polish. The same summer we got to start wearing heels over 1/2 and inch. Our 13th birthday was when we got to have our second ear piercing if we wanted to.  Shaving didn't happen until we turned 13 either. So, I guess 12 and 13 were our years for growing up a bit in certain ways. I think this was brilliant.

I admit that I gave in and painted my newborn's toe nails, but in my own defense she won't remember it and it was a light pink color. But, after telling my husband of our style as little girls and how my mom determined what age things were appropriate he is on board with this for our little girl. I am so glad!

Now I  know that people don't see this the same way that I do, but this is what I grew up with and I think that it will benefit our daughter greatly to have a similar upbringing. Isn't she beautiful!