Am I Giving My Best?

I work overnight at an assisted living that specializes in Alzheimer's care.  My job is to make that place shine.  Do laundry, clean, cook or prep for the next day's meals, and check on the residents throughout the night.  While I was working the other night, and cleaning and exploded mess out of the washer and dryer from an adult brief that got missed, I got to thinking about how I work versus how I am at home.

At work I am punctual, organized, pick up after myself immediately, and do everything on my "to-do" list that needs done.  I go out of my way to make sure that I get it all done, and that I get it done RIGHT.  Do I do this at home?  Short answer: Nope.  Reason: Nobody can fire me from this postion, right?  I thought about that for a while, as the only person there who was awake, and capable of deep conversation, was me.

Do I slack off at home because nobody expects the same things out of me that they do when I am working or serving in another way outside of my home?  We have heard the old song and dance of doing things as if the Lord were coming over to your house, but he was a man too at one point and he struggled with the laziness and lack of expectation that I do.  Do I think that a dirty house is going to be the reason that I don't get into heaven?  No.  Do I think that Jesus was not clean?  No, my point was not to assume anything about Jesus, but to point out that he knows our struggles from a first hand experience.

My heart was heavy knowing that my answer to my own question, "Am I giving my family the same level of effort that I do the place that I work?", was, No.  I am not giving my family the best of myself, my time, my effort.  I am using myself up everywhere else but at home, with the people that God has given me to take care of.  Now, how do I correct this?

I start expecting more of myself.  I don't take the clothing out the dryer unless I intend to fold it and put it where it goes, no matter what.  I do the dishes at every meal and put them away, even if it means that I have to wash and dry another piece of laundry, no matter what.  I find places for things in my home, and don't just throw it in our room when people are going to come over, that is not respecting my husband or myself or the place that we go to be alone together.  I make sure that I finish what I start.

It all sounds so simple, but when you have 4 babie.s running you all over the place, a husband in college full time, a job that means you have to carve out at least an extra 4 hours to get some sleep before that shift AND take care of the kids with no sleep because of the college bound husband....it gets very draining.  All I want is a giant nap...but I'm not going to get it.

This is a season in our life that I want to fast-foreward, so that we can go back to me being home with the kids and my husband being the one who works outside the home, but I don't know when that will be.  My kids and my husband need me now, not later, and I am going to work on giving them my best every day

What's Important?

Our first month of marriage, November 2008, my husband found out how important a vacuum was to me.  He didn't own one for his apartment...yes bachelor syndrome was rampant there, and I say that in the most loving way...and I hadn't gotten one as I had just gotten done working as a live-in nanny and hadn't needed to buy one.

The night we pulled into OKC and walked up the stairs I was greeted by pizza boxes, piles of clothes, packed boxes, and a furniture bare apartment.  We were expecting a couple, who were friends of ours, to meet us at our house to unload our U-haul, and I was panicked!  This place was quite messy, and even though it was only going to get cluttered by the things coming in from the truck I still felt they shouldn't be greeted with the things that I saw.  I got down to business, and got it somewhat cleaned up before they arrived.  My husband has never forgotten that day, or the month that followed while we waited for payday to get a vacuum.

I wouldn't say I was surly about the lack of a vacuum.  I improvised and actually swept the carpet with a broom to get rid of the pieces I could see, but with a dog and two adults coming and going it was starting to get discouraging.  Black Friday we were walking through Walmart, and my husband spotted a $28 vacuum, and it literally was the best present EVER!

I brought my present up to the register, and I literally was excited to be able to get that thing home and use it.  The cashier, a man, looked at this vacuum and said, "it's black friday and that's all you could get her?"  He didn't understand...but my husband did.  It was important to me.

So, for the second time in our marriage my husband has looked at what is important to me, and today he walked through the front door with a brand new vacuum!  Our other one had decided to burn up 2 days ago, and I had not made any plans to buy a new one because I knew we had other things we needed to focus on, not to mention I still had my broom and I could make do for a while with that if we had to.

Here was, not only a new vacuum, but the one that I had mentioned wanting to get when we could afford to.  I have a habit of getting the cheapest thing for myself, instead of the things I really want when I am left on my own to shop.  My husband is either much more practical than me, he always says "you get what you pay for", or more impulsive than me and is trying to make me happy.  I guess either way he has noticed what is important to me.

Men, I urge you to watch your wife as much as you need to be listening to the things she says.  Finding what is important to her is essential, and helping her get/do those things is needed.  It can be something as simple as making sure that she has a vacuum available to her at all times or picking up flowers for her when she seems to be having a bad day.  If you can't tell what is important to your wife I have some solutions for you.

#1-Ask her sibilings, friends, or parents for advice.
#2-Read the "5 Love Languages" book, you can find it at most book stores.
#3-Watch her when she is "busy" what does she pay attention to the most, other than the kids or you?

5 months after

It has been 5 months since we went from a military family to civilian life.  My husband floats between being grateful he got out when he did and being upset and a little bitter about the 8 years he spent serving.

Today after church he got a little gift.  A perfect stranger said a word or two to him as he was putting the carts away in the coral.  I couldn't hear the exchange from inside the car, but I knew the body language well.  The man asked a question, my husband perked up and answered him.  Then, the older man walked a few steps so he could shake his hand.  They continued to chat a bit, but I knew that man had just thanked and honored my husband for serving his country.  This is always a tear jerker for me.

I know what he and our family endured and sacrificed while he was in service.  The wounds, though not visible, are there.  The time spent away for training.  Missed family functions and birthdays.  The abuse at the hands of those who should stand up for the innocent.  All of these things are reality in military life.  But, being thanked takes a little bit of the sting from it.

I know the military helped shape this man I love, in good and frustrating ways alike, but he is now on the path to being the man he always wanted to be.  A patient, kind, loving, God fearing provider.  I now can thank the service for that...5 months after.  And, I have to say I love my man in uniform!

Seeking Perfection in an Imperfect World

I have been making a great effort to keep my sink shiny, thanks to the flylady.  I have been getting her emails for a couple years now and I admit that I never paid enough attention to the actual process until now.  I guess kid #4 was enough for me to realize that I had help to get my home in order, I just wasn't using it to its full potential.

She makes a point in several of her email encouragements throughout the day/ week, to mention our problem with "perfection" being the root of our mess making ways and getting so overwhelmed.  I didn't really dwell on that point until last night.  I had been keeping things caught up and I had let myself fall into my habit of filling the sink and not washing as I went.  By the time my husband got home from college it was FULL and my anxiety level was starting to get high.  My very least favorite thing to do in my home is dishes and my husband has been kind enough to acknowledge this and work with it...meaning I cook and he does the dishes when he comes home, but my goal is for this not to happen anymore.  He was busy when he got home, and then he had homework and reading to do, but I could feel myself getting angry that he didn't drop what he was doing and do the dishes for me.  I stopped myself right there!  Perfectionism, this is exactly when it finally dawned on me what she meant.

Perfectionism keeps us from fully engaging in relationships, trying new things, and embracing the unknown parts of life.  It causes us to be disappointed in our new job after only a week, because the honeymoon has worn off and now it's officially become work.   It keeps us from praising our kids when they make one good choice during a really hard day of bad decisions.  It keeps us from seeing our husband as the man we married, instead of "just like every other guy", after a few years.  It is a damaging force that we allow to give us a critical spirit.

"I'm not a perfectionist."  You may not be a true perfectionist, but everyone wants something to work the "right" way for them.  It could be that you want your kids to be more like so-and-so's.  You have a spouse who takes a lot of patience on your part, and you feel like you are always the one carrying the load.  Guess what?  This world is not perfect.  Brilliant, right? 

Give yourself, your spouse, your kids, and the world in general a little bit of room for imperfection.  Stop planning responses before you can even do them.  Stop giving yourself a license to be disappointed in so many things, and begin to see the blessings. 

I have been happier, and my family has been too, while I have been following my own advice.  I still have a ways to go to have my household nailed down but I am taking it an inch at a time, and I think that is how we handle imperfection...an inch at a time, to keep our expectation from taking over. I saw this quote, and though I am not familiar with the author I really like it.

1 month down

One month down. We are in our new state, and still staying with my great-aunt and uncle.  This is not where we thought we would be.  We thought our house in Oklahoma would have rented already, that one or both of us would have a full time job, we would be in our own space and waiting patiently for baby #4 to arrive and my husband to go to school in the new year.  Not one of these things has happened, other than waiting on the baby and school.

I know that my family is getting anxious to see us go to our own house, and if we could we would.  I certainly never thought that we would end up "homeless" and depending on others to house us.  It goes against my sense of independence, and my husband's, but our babies are the reason we are working through the frustration and feelings of failure.

We were told that rest is coming, a time of rest?  This would be very nice!  And this week the kids and I are at my mom's house while my husband is staying with my aunt so he can go to work.  Lots of fear and worry have come up in me that I have had to battle hard over the last 24 hours.  Fears of history repeating itself, and my brain either making up or noticing similar "patterns" to the former circumstances....you know what I discovered once I rebuked my depression?

#1 God is guiding our path- there are things happening that would not be able to happen if things had been different this last month.

#2 God blesses those who bless others- we are mandated to share our surplus in the bible...Hebrews 13:16, 1 Timothy 6:18, Luke 3:11, Luke 6:38.  There have been times since our marriage that we have been the ones to bless others, and I literally just realized that we are essentially getting it back in our time of desperate need.

#3 God is keeping His promises....this could take a LONG time to explain all of the ways he is keeping His promises to us

#4 I cannot live by fear- I can't hang onto things so tightly that I shove God out of my way.  I remember telling this to my husband early in our marriage and now I am having to swallow my own pills.

#5 Maybe God really doesn't want me to work outside the home-After countless times of being denied employment recently and LOTS of family telling me that they are starting to believe that I may not be destined to have a job outside of the home, I am starting to believe them.  It would be awesome to know what exactly I should be doing to contribute financially, if anything, though.  So, be in prayer that God would reveal it to me.

5 Years

November 1, 2013.  This date marks 5 years of marriage for me and my husband.  It is 5 years of growing (in more than a few ways) and changing.

3.5 kids, #4 due in 2014.....
1 house, and soon a rental.....
 Enlistment in the Air Force complete....
Move to another state....
Get new jobs, and keep trying to get jobs....
4 different churches so far....
3 dogs, though none are with us now...
1 foster child....and a partridge in a pear tree, right? 

Needless to say, we have learned a lot.  Not all our lessons were fun, but they brought us here. 

I think some marriages weather storms early because God wants the harvest to outlast the growing period.  And, our growing has made it clear that every marriage has a "hard part"...or more than one...and that even if it looks easy, it isn't.  What matters most is that you can still say that you love this person, and it doesn't matter what happened yesterday or 6 months ago.  Forever is still your destination, and this is just the winding road.

I love this man!  I would not change our past though it is easy to say that I wish I could, because without it I would not see the changes in him that I do in our years together.  I prayed for these changes, and they are a blessing to our marriage, so I thank God for them.  My rambling is not to make our marriage seem a disappointment, but to reassure someone like myself that you can look back on the hard parts of a marriage with new eyes.  That you can still love this life you made with your spouse, because it was with them. 

So with all my heart, happy anniversary to my handsome husband!

Still Waiting...

I have been trying not to worry....
I really have been trying...
I have been praying this verse....daily for three weeks....
Last night I realized that it was in fact a verse from the Holy Spirit because someone who was praying for me confirmed that she kept hearing the same verse over and over while they were praying for me.  She didn't even know how much I have struggled with worry...my husband hasn't even known.

Jeremiah 29:11

New International Version (NIV)

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I have been praying this in the moments that I feel like I'm going to lose it...
When I argue with my husband about how much I dislike living in my Aunt's living room....
When I realized that we have been here for 3 WEEKS...
When I have to pull the couch out into a bed AGAIN, and sleep on a very well used pull out mattress 29weeks pregnant....
When we have to put the couch back, and put EVERYTHING we own back into our van so that people can actually walk around the living room or even find a seat...
When my two littlest ones have diarrhea because people are not used to being as diligent about checking labels, and they have gotten a hold of something that contains dairy....
When I can see the look on my family's faces when they realize that we still haven't moved out that day, when they get back from work...
When I do dishes or make food in someone else's kitchen, and I don't feel like I can do enough to not be any more of a burden than we are on them...

I want to cry all the time.  My oldest son said he "hates this" yesterday, though I think he was talking about what my uncle was watching on the TV.  I caught myself, mid-admonishment, and realized that he had heard the exact same thing out of my mouth when I was talking to my husband about our current situation. 

I caught a glimpse of myself at church last night, and I look...haggard was all I could think at the time...I know I'm not sleeping well, or probably eating very much.  If you ask my aunt I'm not eating enough, or taking enough time to rest.  How do you rest when it feels like you have so much to do? 
Jobs to find.  Interviews to schedule.  Husband to work.  Kids to be fed and cleaned.  Messes to clean up in a house with 11 people in it...4 of which can't do much to contribute because of their ages.

I'm ready for rest.  Whatever that looks like I'm ready for it.  But here we are, still waiting.  I gave this verse to someone else the other day who was waiting on their husband to decide something that was important to them.  I guess I was just warming up to use it for my family.

 

So we are still waiting.....